Category: Minor Project

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This is just going to be quick post, just to update on the still lives, I have been preparing ready to print. I have decided to keep it simple and just photocopy everything.

So far I have scanned:

1. A packet of cigarettes – reasons mentioned in a previous post
2. Coat Hanger – Control over clothes
3. A necklace – I used to wear this necklace every day, it has charms on it representing different parts of myself, for instance a paint palette, and a chefs hat, this is to generally represent control over me as a person, and who I am
4. Painkillers Packet – The idea of pain, and control over how one feels
5. Wallet – Financial Control
6. Keys – Control over what one does and where they go.

With the idea that your work will communicate to a specific audience,
what questions are you asking that audience?

I am asking them to emote. To think about the topic, and how it would feel in that scenario. To ask them has any moment of their lives have they felt powerless and controlled, and taking that and magnifying that feeling.

Who is your audience?

My audience is the general public, the everyday person. It is hard to narrow down because it is work which should and could been seen by anyone. It is for the public domain.

When the work is seen on its own, and you are not there to back it up,
what do you want people to think about when they look at your work?

I think titling and naming my pieces will be important, especially as I have moved away from a more literal approach, and continuing to experiment with the idea of the red thread/wool being a symbol and metaphor for power and control.

I want the images to make people think and reivaluate their own ideas of domestic abuse. I when then to see something, a memory in themselves, where to can feel, even a snippet of what it is like to be in a relationship, abusive, toxic and manipulative.

I don’t wish to spell it out for them so clearly that the problem is just own and they are just viewer watching in. But also thinking about this mask these relationships have, and how they are nearly never outwardly projecting what they are actually like. I want them to have snippet into the world of an abusive relationship.

How will people benefit from your work?

I am wanting to raise awareness for an issue which has become such a crisis, even before Covid, but it has gotten worse and made it more visible. But statistics and even the news reports we have received through-out the pandemic, doesn’t make people view it as their problem to fight. However I wish for my work to emote with the viewer and link the issue the feelings and emotion behind it, and what people experience during these traumatic experiences. Maybe wanting to promote donations to Women’s violence charities, but also make survivors know and feel like they are not alone.

In a dream scenario, how would you like to financially benefit from
this work? For example, would you like a gallery to sell it?
A publication house to market it? An advertising agency to
commission you? An illustration agency to represent you? You choose.

I would love my work to be able to be exhibited in galleries, not just to sell but obviously that is always helpful and would be the dream scenario, but also for exposure, but not for myself but issue I am trying to be an activist against, and raise awareness for.

But also creating work for charities to promote donations.

Tracey Emin’s method of working and where she draws her ideas from are incredibly pertinent and important to me.

Her work is very emotive and emotional and draws on her own experiences, they are very expressive, and become a mirror for the viewer to see themselves within her art. She has experienced an incredible amount of trauma, and instead of her work describing those events, it seems to more describe the emotional turmoil caused by these events.

Her work is auto-biographical however it goes beyond that, it is feminist in nature and doesn’t just document her life by the life of many women, and I think that is what makes her resonate with such a wide audience.

Even though I am not a huge fan of her work, personally, I want to continue to research why her work emotes and resonates, and how even though not being direct and literal we still gain the idea and emotion behind the pieces.

https://www.tate.org.uk/art/artists/tracey-emin-2590

https://www.tate.org.uk/art/artists/gilbert-george-1163

While thinking about artists who in general have inspired me over the course of the last couple of years, at first I came out blank. However I had this burst of an image which really stuck with me after a CTS session in my first year, and really relates to what I am doing now, and how when seeing this work even though its a completely different style to mine, however the process and the conceptual work behind is very similar to myself.

I am really wanting to pursue an autoethnographic practice, using my images as a mirror to make viewer the emote, and explore the wider problems of the wider world around them. Gilbert and George did this with their experience, within their community, and my community of LGBT when the AIDS crisis came to a head in the late 20th century.

They used their personal experience of loss, from the epidemic, and loosing so many people around you from your own community, and transformed this into art, making the viewer emote with a problem, which many people would say ‘not my problem’ because it doesn’t affect them and their community but it also affected a community which people didn’t have much care or like for.

But also the use of print inspires me with their work. In the era of becoming an artist hugely entailed being in a gallery and if I remember correctly from my CTS sessions, print in this form wasn’t common. However the use of print, in the area of fine art and contemporary, is important, and is a useful tool. Because it makes the work accessible and in an era of homophobia, it’s hard to make the problem of aid relate to a wider audience, however we all interact with print on a daily basis, well not so much now in the age of screens, but in the 80s-90s it makes it stand out but also feels on a level same with every day people.

Following the 50 postcard task last week, I have decided to take forward this idea of the red wool/thread as a metaphor and symbolism for power and control. Above is an image I have experimented with, by taking a coat/clothes hanger, and photocopying it and overlaying another photocopy of wool. My idea with this is to use photo etching for the coat hanger, using a steel plate, therefore I will get background tone, but also steel plates are cheap. Also even though I have done hard ground etching, plus a lot of photopolymer, this will be a new technique for me, and I always want to learn something new.

But then I have two options for the wool, either taking the wool and inking it directly before printing it, or I can take the wool and press it into a soft ground plate, and create an etching that way, either on steel or zinc, and print it that way. This way I will always get the same composition with each print I do, however requires another step in the process.

The next image is still I work in process, I have finished the hand painting yet, however I took a photo of it so far and overlaid another wool photocopy. The idea of this was one taking a small powerful snippet of my previous painting, however I added the addition of the cigarette.

Before my relationship, I hardly smoked, on occasion at work when I was stressed, and sometimes socially however never really ever brought a packet, and if I did it could last a few weeks. When my abusive relationship started so did the upkeep of the habit of smoking and as the relationship got worse, the more I smoked. It was my escapism. Within a couple of months I was smoking 4-5 a day, and by the end of the relationship, also an extremely stressful job, I was nearly on 10-15. In the last couple of years I have been able to cut that down, I even ended up quitting for nearly 6 months last year but that was mainly due to jaw surgery, and started back up again when I moved back to London, started working again, university, general stress and being with my boyfriend who smokes. At the moment I smoke between 5-9 a day. However I am in the process of quitting, and everyday I am smoking less, and hopefully this week I will be able to quit. But because of my relationship with it, and how I associate it with relieving of stress and escapism of stressful environments, every time I get stressed or anxious I reach for a cigarette. Sometimes I ask myself whether it is the right time to stop smoking with my mental health, and even if it is only a phycological response to needing the action of smoking for relief at the moment due to the amount of stress on myself should I put myself through anything more.

Following on from my previous work on taking phrases and lines of which I was told during my abusive relationship. I started to work on an image trying to portray how the words but also the relationship made me feel, but also to give the viewer a insight into the world inside these relationships which is usually so hard to see.

I wanted to take the ripped up paper, typographic collage I completed before and use that texture and feel in this image, because it felt like it gave the right insight into how these words affect one person and how they come part of who you are. I also have more ideas how I can further this idea also. I also wanted to show the shadowy figure, that even though you might of escaped, or they might just not be physically with you at one moment, they sort of sit with you and you feel the weight on your shoulders. Which was a similar idea with the read thread, and how you feel your life is tied up with theirs and it becomes very complicated, but also the feeling on entrapment.

I want to look at taking this into print specifically photopolymer, and after talking to Ling and Kath in printmaking, they are wanting me to explore multi-plates, using photopolymer as a base, but maybe using steel plates to add additional areas of colour, and they think that is what I should explore next. Which I agree with. I need to get over my nerves and get the confidence to push myself within the area of print, and create something different and be challenged.

I am struggling with the idea of how to incorporate scale into my project. I feel like it is important to talk about the scale of the issue, and I think it would be incredibly powerful, but at the moment I have no idea of how to do that without using typography and statistics. But also how to incorporate that with the style of my work and my paintings and prints.

The idea of these sketches which I wish to explore more, is the idea of things are not what they look like in relationships like these. So the idea is I would look like a loving relationship on the outside, but as you open the imahe out. There would be flaps, so the image folds open, another image/story is told. I haven’t got far with this idea yet, and just have these very basic sketches.

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Looking inwardly, I started to write down all the things which Adam said to me which were manipulative, controlling or could be considered abusive. When I started I struggled to get a couple of things down but once I had moved past 4-5 it all came out of me in waves and I ended up with 5 pages.

When doing this exercise, I had the realisation that by the end of our relationship I wasn’t myself anymore, I was just a puzzle roughly glued together of these words. I wanted to experiment with texture, typography and collage (by using a photocopier) and see if I could create anything interesting out of these words.

I wrote them quickly writing them down in ripped up pieces of paper, and then photocopied them. I then took the photocopy and laid that behind all these pieces and I just repeated. I also wanted to experiment with ripping up the photocopies and repeating.

I then experimented quickly with drawing a portrait over the top digitally.

In January 2018, I was a bit of a mess. I had been working everyday for over a month apart from Christmas day. boxing day and New years day. 2 of those days the restaurant was closed. I was working over 85 hours a week and I was using work as a distraction and an escape from the fact, I had been raped by my ex-boyfriend in my own bed, a month after we had broken up. Also my best friend wanted some space, as we had started this weird on and off relationship but he had gotten back with his ex.

I am stating all this because it sets up my emotional state when I met Adam and how vulnerable I was.

On the day I met Adam, our first date, I mentioned the fact that I experience pain during sex sometimes, due to a medical condition, and if I say stop it means stop. He asked why I was stating this. I stated that because when I said stop to my ex, he didn’t. Adam then told me he understood, he had also been raped when he was a kid. Adam was the first person to label what had happened to me as rape. It all finally clicked for me and my mental state spiralled to a place which didn’t start to recover until I had left Adam behind 6 months later.

I again am stating this because it made me feel connected, linked to Adam and that because I had something to owe him.

The first 2 months of our relationship was fine. I don’t want to say it was amazing, because it wasn’t. It was okay, fine. He was a lovely and loving guy. I felt comfortable around him most of the time, and he looked after me when I was spiralling. I liked him, but didn’t have any deep feelings, however I felt that was due to the fact I was emotionally scarred and didn’t have must trust after my ex. So I decided that he was doing everything right, so I commited to the relationship and then on things subtlely changed. He started to become manipulative. Overbearing, and controlling. But everything really started to change around the time of myself going to the police about my ex.

I had taken a couple of days off to go and see my family up North and the night I came back, I was lying in bed with Adam and it all just hit me, and I knew I needed to go to police. I told Adam that I was going to the police the next day and would he come with me. He originally said yes, the next day as I was heading there I received a text saying he could come with me. I called him, and asked why and he said it was going to affect his mental health too much, because a couple of years before he was arrested because his sister had called the police on him for assaulting her. In the end he was never charged. However it made things hard with his family, and they had only let him moved back in a couple of months before I met him when he quit drinking.

In the end, my housemate and my friend came to meet me and support me. When I returned home that night, Adam had been out with my other housemate, and been drinking. The first time I had seen him drink while we had been together. He told me he was t-total because he used to be an alcoholic.

The following week, I had my video interview with the police, and again Adam refused to come. Scott, my best friend, came with me. But because he was working late the night before, and lived a couple of hours away asked if he could sleep on my sofa. I agreed. But Adam didn’t. We had a huge falling out. He was jealous, he accused me of cheating, or that I would cheat if another man slept on my sofa. From that moment on Adam changed completely, and it was not subtle.

That was the week was the first time I was raped, and from then on the sexual assault was continuous on a daily basis. On that first time he manipulated me into comforting him instead, and any time I mentioned it, he accused me of throwing his mistake in his face, and that he had apologised, he just got caught up in the moment.

He became more and more manipulative, controlling, violent, and abusive. I was so scared, especially of what would happen if I left him, but also he manipulated me to think it was all my fault, and that none of what he was doing was happening to me. I wasn’t allowed to go home, I had to be at his, he had to know where I was at all times, and wasn’t allowed to leave without permission. He spent my money, he forced me to stay home on a day of work which ended up with me receiving disciplinary action and being fired, however which was later revoked as the day I had off was the day after my granddad died, and I asked it off as compassionate leave and they refused. I wasn’t allowed to see my friends.

One day in July, Adam told me about a job offer he was received for a job in China, even though he said he was excited about it, he didn’t want to take it because of me. However I saw this as an opportunity to get out safely. I convinced him to take the job. He hated me for it, and he got worse. However a few days later I was already moving down to Brighton. I left it until a couple of days before moving, and I would have safe places to stay for the next couple of nights. And I ended it.

He wasn’t leaving until October, and he convinced me to stay friend with him, and in sake of my own safety I felt like I needed to keep him happy. And I had an end date Halloween 2018 he would be out of the country, I only needed to keep and act on for a few months, but I had to live with the consequences. He wasn’t as controlling however recieved abuse when I didn’t see him as much as he wanted, I still had to endure the sexual assault and abuse. But after all I had been through felt like nothing, and I had gone numb, but I could see the end in sight. But then it wasn’t.

On the 31st October 2018, Adam took a flight to China. 18 hours later I receive a phone call with him in tears declaring it was a scam, and he was booked on the next flight home. He wanted me to meet him at the airport, he wanted to get back together, as the main reason I gave for breaking up with him was him leaving for China. I was in a state full of panic. I was terrified.

I met him at the airport. I sat on the Piccadilly line all the way back, and we discussed everything. I declared I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. I declared I didn’t love him anymore (even though I never did. I always said I did to appease him.) That we didn’t have a healthy relationship and it was the best thing for both of us to go our separate ways. I told him to give me some space.

He then texted me constantly for months. I asked that I wasn’t ready to see him, and this might sound stupid, however he had this little figurine a friend of mine gave to me to find me of the good, it was the little chicken and she had kept with her everyday of a really tough job and talked to it to get herself through it. She hoped it could do the same for me. Adam used it as bait to get me to see him. But in the end, however much it meant to me it wasn’t worth him trying to convince himself back into my life.

After a few months of texting. I finally got up the courage to block him on everything on social media. But even then he tried elaborate ways of getting in tough with me and became kind of stalkerish. In the end, I was happy when I moved and he finally didn’t know where I was, and was blocked in every way possible and either he gave up or had no more means to get in touch.

When I moved in June 2019, I finally felt free of Adam.

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Over the last 2 years of study, I have delved into the world of printing, and trying to discover a process which works for me in both in methodology and results. Even though I have loved the process of different printmaking techniques however I struggled to find a method which works with my style. Just before lockdown I discovered photopolymer etching, and it felt like something important and I just had this drive to do more.

But then of course I couldn’t use the workshops, therefore for the last few weeks since I have been able to have access again, I have been in there at every opportunity to start experimenting but also practising and developing my work with photopolymer etching.

The images above is the work I have been creating over the last 3 weeks.