Month: April 2021

I am going to be honest here, I am really struggling with this project, I am struggling to get together an idea which I feel I can continue with. I have all this indepth research which I am struggling to visualise in a sophisticated and sensitive way which is not autobiographical as I am aiming for autoethnographical. Due to this I have mentally driven myself to a place that I feel completely unable to create, because I have but all this pressure on myself, however even when pushing myself to just sketch and explore I am struggling to find anything which works which is lowering my self esteem and confidence. I truly love the images of the photocopied hands, and because the areas of light are the areas where the hand is touching the glass and to me that feels special and represents the feeling of touch more so than a photo can. Also my tutorial with Leigh today has put my mind in a weird place, because I was so confident in the images and now I don’t know what to think.

However at this moment in time I think it is more important to continue to create with works and imagery I believe in, still take comments in hand, especially as I know I do not want my final outcome to be one image, on its own.

This is why I have started to look into Artists books, because I want this work to be interactive, and I think the way the audience interacts will be more important than the imagery itself. I want to be able to covey the confusion, the fragmentation, dissociation and as I like to call it, the untangling of the fairy lights, in it’s form rather than the imagery, as that is more likely to be able to become a mirror for more.

Hedi Kyle, is a Canadian Book Artist, who has created many techniques and experimented with the form of a book, and the two following images to me are ideas on which my outcome could take.

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The first piece is called the Maze, and it is like a puzzle to unwrap the information inside. With the second image the work is called Mica Flags, and it is the same design of creating flaps in a concertina book, however it has been printed on a material called Mica. This makes me want to explore transparency in the work, and how areas can reveal something underneath it, and by incorporating elements like this I think maybe my previous images could work really successfully.

So I have gotten a bit behind with this project, even though I know I have done some fabulous and in-depth research and a lot of it. However while I have been away in the last couple of days, my mum was rushed to hospital, in Mexico, as she was in immense pain, and they discovered a huge amount of fluid in her abdomen, and two tumours, 8cm in size, and one on each ovary. Since then, obviously the focus has been on her, sorting out the travel insurance, and working out how to get her home for the urgent surgery she needs.

However I am using this post to try and show the direction I am thinking of heading in by reflecting on my research.

I tried to reach out to different people, some who talk about trauma on youtube and social media, and public speakers on the topic, but of yet I have had no response. Therefore even though I think it would be great to make this project participatory, at this time this is not possible. Therefore I want to make it more autoethnographical, but still be informed by research and others experiences. Therefore I had to look at my own trauma and PTSD and try to work out what do I want to express. Which experiences do I want to bring to light? I decided to use my experience of domestic abuse, even though I have other experiences which contribute to my PTSD. Because I then can continue the use of the ideas of my minor project, and there is more there I want to continue, and I believe this could be a great continuation of the work. And with me most of my PTSD come from that experience, because even though I experience rape, in a stand alone experience, that was still a huge part of my experience of domestic abuse. There is the most material to work with by focusing in on my domestic abuse experience.

Interaction has been hugely on my mind when considering this project, I think it is important for the viewer to be able to simulate how confusing and difficult it is to process, plus the emotional, triggering response as well. I have some more research on this which I will process soon once I have some more time, and have calmed down from the current situation. But I am thinking of a book, and how you see the repetitive nature, and triggers. But also the idea of explore the memories, so some pages can be a pop up book. Or some pages could fold out, when there are holes in the memories, I could literally cut holes out of the pages and you can see through to the next. I could use different papers to overlay on top of the images to make them hazy, or the feeling they are just out of reach. Add sliders onto the pages so you can reveal different parts of the images. But due to fact that the exhibition this year will be online, I want to see if I can reproduce this digitally, as where you click on different parts of the images and that reveals something new, or it zooms in, or makes things clearer. I know I can achieve this with using invisible links on a powerpoint document and then making that an interactive pdf. However I need to see if I can make this an online version, so it can be placed on a website for a digital exhibition. I know some basic coding, but not enough at this moment to make this work. But something to explore and see if I can learn the skills to achieve this on a very short time frame. However, side note, even before what has happened with my mum, I have had extenuating circumstances approved, therefore my deadline is now 9th June.

I have started to explore what the imagery may look like, however I think this will be something I work heavily on in the 10 days I am self isolating after I return to the UK hopefully on Tuesday morning, if my covid test when I am in the US is negative.

In previous posts I have started to explore methodologies and styles, however I think it is down now to experimentation. Drawing and painting things, scanning and photographing then cutting them up to create images reprehensive of traumatic memories and how that influences PTSD. I am still looking at printmaking, because of the repetitive nature of flashbulb memories and triggers, I really think this methodology would work, and by using multiple plates and mixing them up I can create combinations which show to confusing and overwhelming nature of PTSD.

Due to the fact that memories are usually not whole, and there are normally seperate thoughts and memories which make up a larger memory of experience I thought it would be interesting to research artists who use collage. During the second live brief, I started to explore more printmaking techniques which combined photographic techniques, which I am extremely familiar with, such as photo-etching and photo-polymer. But also drawing based printmaking techniques, such as aquatint and soft-ground etching, this gave a collaged look. I want to incorporate this more into this project because I truly believe this is like how memories are. Somethings are remembered clearly and photographic, and others are like a pencil sketch, or a bit blurred like a water colour etching, which I could use spit-bite technique, where one paints with acid over an aquatinted plate. This is a technique I would really like to explore with this project, and we began discussing in the printmaking workshops during my last project. As my work develops for this project, especially as I will have a delay for getting back into the workshops, as having to self isolate when I get back from the US at the beginning of term, I will be in contact with the technicians to discuss options. Because we have already begun discussing how they can accomodate a larger scale project with limited time in the studio, like maybe incorporating more dry-point, using hard-ground instead of softground in certain scenarios where I can take the plate home and draw on it instead. And how after I have aquatinted plates in the workshop, they can provide some stop-out and other varnishes so I can take home and draw on them then. Already discussing that even though the most expensive option, but also less experimental as the plate cannot be changed or added to, photopolymer may be the best option for my photo-images.

Anyway off-topic a bit. Next is going to be a selection of collage work which I find inspiring and I think could bring beneficial ideas to this project.

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I absolutely love these collages from the Artist Julien Pacaud. I love the compositions of them, and how he has incorporated text, images and textures, as I have started to explore this with my memory sketches. But they have a feeling of being disjointed but being cohesive at the same time. Looking at these images gives me some inspiration, and also how to incorporate some of the imagery I started to explore in the minor project. But I also loved the feeling of the black and white of these imagery, I found a lot of his other works and projects which incorporated a lot of colour came too much and I preferred the simplicity of these images.

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These are works from the artist Rober Rauschenberg, and here I found his works inspiring because of the mix of photographic and more markmaking techniques. But also the use of print, the image in the top right is a lithograph and the image at the bottom is a screen-print, with painted marks over the top. As I use more intaglio techniques for photographic images, and it is a process I prefer, but the idea of using screen-print off adding pops of colour.

These have started to give me ideas how to make more elegant compositions using ‘collage’.

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Currently due to my weird circumstances, I am not able to connect my ipad to wifi, therefore I have had to photograph my drawing on my ipad. This was more of an instictual process, and just went with what felt right and how the memory was forming in my head.

I decided to use one of my more traumatic memories, due to the fact my main trigger is unsolicited touch which came from this experience. My memory surrounding this event is very fragmented, which linked back to my more scientific research into how traumatic memories form differently normal memories.

This is a memory from my domestically abusive relationship which I explored in my minor project, and the main memory which has haunted me, is the first night I was raped by him. I remember all the emotions which were present, which was primarily anger and fear. I remember so clearly was how I was push down face-first into a pillow, so I could hardly see and it felt difficult to breathe, and the constant touch, which was felt everywhere. But also the thoughts of ‘It’s happening again’ as I was raped by my previous boyfriend when I broke up with him, also thoughts like ‘how could I let this happen again?’. After the rape though, I told Adam that if I say stop it means stop, and how painful it was. And he broke down crying, and wouldn’t stop repeating himself that he was sorry, he just got carried away in the moment, he thought I just meant stop for a second, why didn’t I tell him to stop again. How he knew I was going to break up with him, and that broke his heart, how he loves me so much. I spent hours comforting him and that has really impacted my memory of the experience.

The main image on the drawing is of a photograph of a pillow scrunched up up-close and then edited with a motion-blur to try and simulate what It looked and felt like to be pressed up against it.

I used my own handwriting for everything I said or thought, and I circled the thought as well, and I used type for everything Adam said as in a way that’s how I remember it, cold and removed.

I also circled the main image as that is like how my mind remembers it, circled with an exclamation mark, to tell me to remember this as it might save my life one day. And how that feeling pressed up against that pillows is something I could never forget and is ingrained into my mind.

Originally I used a very roughly sketched out handprint, but looking through my images on my Ipad I found some images I had created for my Chaos Side Hustle project in year one of printed handprints, and used that in other images to obviously represent that feeling of being touched everywhere, as I want to explore repetition and triggers in this project, I thought that would be an interesting pattern to continue into other memories, especially when I start trying to draw them all into a narrative of what it is like to live with PTSD. Also when getting back into the workshops I want to try and take a soft ground plate and actually use my hands to create the mark making, and try and be more aggressions and put more pressure on the fingertips and pull with them a bit to try and create a more aggressive looking hold, like clawing.

I also created a more simplified version, which held the main elements from the memory, which was the pillow and the feelings of fear that also symbolising and feelings of being trapped. The hand prints, as that became a huge trigger for me and still is. Finally the phrase ‘it happened again’, which I think would actually better as ‘how did I let this happened again?’ it hindsight, as that feeling of shame, guilt and blame sat with me for a long long time afterwards. Which is the edited version below.

I also want to do some drawing exercises where I draw from memory, but with my eyes closed. I want to experiment with colour. But also what about incorporating elements like the red wool I used in my minor project. This is the early stages, however I think the next part of my research and development is to build up this visual language, but also think about what story I want to tell and what that could look like, think about format. I think I need to free up a bit, a memory isn’t going to be in perfect composition, so I should not be afraid of it looking messy. Memories are messy.

Finally I think it is really important to think about interaction with this project, I want to be able to guide the viewer through the mind of someone experience PTSD and how confusing it is, and difficult to navigate.

Since starting my research for this project, I have been struggling with the idea of what does a memory look like? It seemed so impossible for me to visualise. My research into artists who use memory in their work, but also specifically artists who make memory physical. However I used instagram and saved and screenshotted posts which work reminded me of memories. I then used them to create a moodboard for me to refer to when visualising my own memories.

This artist had many inspirational pieces which related to how I personally visualise memories. This one which is a collage piece related to me because it made me think about how memories are not one clear photograph or video, which I knew before, but using collage as a technique I believe would work really well to show this idea of sticking everything together. Especially as much research and personal experience with traumatic memories show that it can all become very fragmented and you many focus on little things.

I had already decided that I thought mark-making would be a good technique especially when trying to visually describe feelings, emotions, touch and smell. This was a good example I found of that.

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The four images above are all in a similar style, and some with similar techniques. The first two were about the impermanence of shadows, which made me think of the metaphor of comparing memories and shadows. And all of them together made me think about how again memories are not photographic, and the etches can be blurred, information missing and how I could incorporate that into my visualisation of my memories. But also made we really wish I had ink with me so I could experiment with ink on wet paper and see how it bleeds and moves when creating more abstract interpretations of memories.

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The two images above by Brno Del Zou made me think about how we remember faces as they are three dimensional objects and how a photograph is 2 dimensional and we can remember it on many different planes, but also again this idea of fragmentation and how we focus on different things, and maybe this composition could work very well for my imagery even when it will not be faces.