Currently due to my weird circumstances, I am not able to connect my ipad to wifi, therefore I have had to photograph my drawing on my ipad. This was more of an instictual process, and just went with what felt right and how the memory was forming in my head.
I decided to use one of my more traumatic memories, due to the fact my main trigger is unsolicited touch which came from this experience. My memory surrounding this event is very fragmented, which linked back to my more scientific research into how traumatic memories form differently normal memories.
This is a memory from my domestically abusive relationship which I explored in my minor project, and the main memory which has haunted me, is the first night I was raped by him. I remember all the emotions which were present, which was primarily anger and fear. I remember so clearly was how I was push down face-first into a pillow, so I could hardly see and it felt difficult to breathe, and the constant touch, which was felt everywhere. But also the thoughts of ‘It’s happening again’ as I was raped by my previous boyfriend when I broke up with him, also thoughts like ‘how could I let this happen again?’. After the rape though, I told Adam that if I say stop it means stop, and how painful it was. And he broke down crying, and wouldn’t stop repeating himself that he was sorry, he just got carried away in the moment, he thought I just meant stop for a second, why didn’t I tell him to stop again. How he knew I was going to break up with him, and that broke his heart, how he loves me so much. I spent hours comforting him and that has really impacted my memory of the experience.
The main image on the drawing is of a photograph of a pillow scrunched up up-close and then edited with a motion-blur to try and simulate what It looked and felt like to be pressed up against it.
I used my own handwriting for everything I said or thought, and I circled the thought as well, and I used type for everything Adam said as in a way that’s how I remember it, cold and removed.
I also circled the main image as that is like how my mind remembers it, circled with an exclamation mark, to tell me to remember this as it might save my life one day. And how that feeling pressed up against that pillows is something I could never forget and is ingrained into my mind.
Originally I used a very roughly sketched out handprint, but looking through my images on my Ipad I found some images I had created for my Chaos Side Hustle project in year one of printed handprints, and used that in other images to obviously represent that feeling of being touched everywhere, as I want to explore repetition and triggers in this project, I thought that would be an interesting pattern to continue into other memories, especially when I start trying to draw them all into a narrative of what it is like to live with PTSD. Also when getting back into the workshops I want to try and take a soft ground plate and actually use my hands to create the mark making, and try and be more aggressions and put more pressure on the fingertips and pull with them a bit to try and create a more aggressive looking hold, like clawing.
I also created a more simplified version, which held the main elements from the memory, which was the pillow and the feelings of fear that also symbolising and feelings of being trapped. The hand prints, as that became a huge trigger for me and still is. Finally the phrase ‘it happened again’, which I think would actually better as ‘how did I let this happened again?’ it hindsight, as that feeling of shame, guilt and blame sat with me for a long long time afterwards. Which is the edited version below.
I also want to do some drawing exercises where I draw from memory, but with my eyes closed. I want to experiment with colour. But also what about incorporating elements like the red wool I used in my minor project. This is the early stages, however I think the next part of my research and development is to build up this visual language, but also think about what story I want to tell and what that could look like, think about format. I think I need to free up a bit, a memory isn’t going to be in perfect composition, so I should not be afraid of it looking messy. Memories are messy.
Finally I think it is really important to think about interaction with this project, I want to be able to guide the viewer through the mind of someone experience PTSD and how confusing it is, and difficult to navigate.